Hans Oberlander

Christmas

Mon, 08 Jan 2007 06:59:19 GMT

Okay so I can’t contemplate on how to start a blog no one reads, and I’m supposed to be doing my homework so I’m writing this in Microsoft Word and it’s spellchecking ‘blog’ and I’m like wtfbbqsauce why don’t you spell check Hitler’s combat boot going 783 mph (in comparison, this dude in Virginia Falls, Nebraska, South Republic of Viet Nam, Former Chinese Fruit Market, The Earth 90210 makes only 6.005 mph) UP YOUR ASS WHILE YOU’RE FALLING OFF A CLIFF LIKE ALICE INTO WONDERLAND WHEN SHE SAW THAT RABBIT BUT THAT RABBIT WAS MEREDITH, JUST SO YOU KNOW SHE CAN METAMORPH INTO BUNNIES WHICH I CAN SNIPE IN NOLF2! *deep breath*
Hm, anyway, today is the Eastern Orthodox Something Christmas, a.k.a. the day JC was happily brought onto this helpless world with the help of his mother who may or may not have been a virgin, considering the circumstances under which the hymen can break during a pleasant riding of the bicycle, or invading of the Poles. Or is it Polacks? I like Poles. Impale you with Poles. Haha.
Anyway I don’t believe in Jesus, so I ate pancakes today. OH and I woke up at 3 p.m. to NOT GO TO CHURCH. And my mom returned these stupid movies and I’m like can you take out “The Devil Wears Prada”?
So there I am, woken up, in my Santa Claus pajamas, rubbing my sweet eyes (btw I had lemon in them so I was like AAAAH ACID IN MY EEEYES) and I’m all like, “So, mommy dearest, did you take out The Devil Wears Prada”?
And then she hit me. With a bowling ball. Just kidding, it was a catfish from the Great Lakes. I had a catfish once, but I drowneded it. How can you drown a catfish, you ask? Well, with Lenor fabric softener.
ANYWAY…it turns out she didn’t take out “The Devil Wear Prada” because she didn’t find it suitable for Christmas?! But she did take out two family movies: “A Far Off Place” and “Dying of the Christ”. *presses ear*Wait, I’m getting breaking news…correction, it’s actually “Passion of the Christ”. And I’m like OMG I’M NOT WATCHING THAT AGAIN! Because I’m not rezing him again! Jesus is a n00blet omelet! So, anyway, she puts it in and gets the Kleenex out and I’m rolling my eyes going “Oh please, Mel Gibson?” thought the guy that played Jesus was pretty hot (I’d nail that. Get it, nail? As in crucified? As in nooblified?) Oh btw they have these new Kleenex boxes, that are actually oval shaped. Just in case anyone (a.k.a. ME) wants to poke their eyes out while watching Mel Gibson’s description of how he would crucify a Jew. I wonder if she would think “Jesus Wears Dolce & Gabbana” was more suitable for Christmas? I cannot wait to live by myself.

P.S. The other movie (A Far Off Place --Disney) was about this (reading off the back): After their parents are murdered by poachers, two white teenagers must (star!) trek across 1000 miles of Kalahari desert with a local bushman as their guide. Sounds like a comedy!

P.M.S. On the back of the Jesus Blackbuster DVD, it says “If you have any questions as to the content or appropriateness of this title, please ask any BLOCKBUSTER associate to assist you. BLOCKBUSTER is dedicated to providing you with the kind of entertainment programming you prefer. If you feel our selection can better serve your interests, please let us know. Go Home Happy! (wtf is this a whorehouse? Who writes this, monkeys on typewriters in abandoned banana warehouses? Hmph.)” HAHA I should totally ask a Blockbuster associate what it’s about.

The Wishlist

Sat, 18 Nov 2006 20:16:35 GMT

Gold-plated AK-47

Ronald Reagan Bobblehead

Sony PlayStation 3

Call of Duty 3 for PS3

Sony PlayStation Portable

Red EVH Guitar

OMG LIGHTSABER!

A car/boat!

A roflcopter!

Hm...how about my own island? I really want the Hat Island, aprox. retail value $75 mil. My closest neighbor would be Mel Gibson's island ROFL

cant think of anything else righ tnow, will update kthxbai.

The Story of Natalija

Fri, 10 Nov 2006 21:44:10 GMT

Natalija was owed money by Mr Harnwell in the fire place and almost got killed by an army of birds because her leg hurt and all hell broke loose, Natalija then met her long lost daughter: Natalija the second, she went around killing rats with plastic bombs and to the surprise of the audience she killed the bad guy and made it away with minimal injuries. Then Natalija ran around like a lunatic, she made a giant leap across the ravine and as she nearly gave up all hope until she got the money and lived the rest of her life in Canada.

Hitler Looks Down Upon Thou

Mon, 16 Oct 2006 04:10:19 GMT

He is like:
"Hm...purple curtains...Ja, zey go vel vit ze valpayper...*nod of approval*"

Vye I liked Ze Lake Haus

Mon, 09 Oct 2006 23:10:47 GMT

I just saw the Lake House, and I suppose a hormonal imbalance made me cry. =(

But it's a great movie to me because:
1. Keanu Reeves and Sandra Bullock are great actors (Sandra's my favorite actress)
2. Keanu Reeves says "Come to papa" within the first 20 minutes, at which I proceeded to laugh my ass off.
3. I haven't seen the Notebook (nor will I ever!) but I bet this is a much better, more mature love story.
4. It happens in Chicago!
5. Keanu is hot!
6. Sandra is hot!

Great movie, go stick it up your----see it.

Hitler, Lenin, Stalin

Tue, 03 Oct 2006 02:16:25 GMT

This is a super-old story I found on this super-old flash drive. I think I wrote it on vocabulary words or something. It was supposed to be 2 pages, so you’ll see how I speed up the story. Like, super sonic speed. THE END.
It is the year 2045. The world has made a great deal of progress in technology and expertise. The average human intelligence quotient is 180. Any simple-minded programs are not allowed on television and the most common pastime is telekinetic chess. It isn’t unusual for every family to have a hovercraft and children to play tag with jet packs.
Dr. Sarfatti is an Italian surgeon who isn’t fond of Italy’s democratic regime. He thinks that when you let minorities rule, they destroy the state. But, he keeps his opinions to himself so he wouldn’t be exiled from society.
He has recently gotten an anonymous call from the prestigious University of Berlin by people who said they needed his skill as soon as possible. They also said that he shouldn’t tell anyone he is coming to Berlin. He believed it was German doctors who called him so he packed his bags and took a subway from Rome to Berlin that went 4416 miles per hour. He arrived to his destination after ten minutes.
When Dr. Sarfatti went to the university he was greeted by a group of German doctors. They shook hands and discussed their plans with him.
"Ve are more advanced than ze rest of ze veirld. Ve call you to Deutschland because ve have telepathic radars that help us scan potential fascist and Nazi ‘friends’. Ve need help from you for plan ve have." They said.
That is, one hundred years after his death, they wanted to unfreeze Adolf Hitler. And they felt that Dr. Sarfatti will get the job done. Dr. Sarfatti asked how this was possible, since Hitler killed himself a hundred years ago and he was cremated. The doctors told him that the person who died that day wasn’t the real Hitler. Hitler was frozen on that day until a day he could rule the world.
The process of unfreezing the German leader was intense and needed excessive care so that no organ would be damaged. Dr. Sarfatti immensely concentrated on his task. He slowly melted parts of the ice that was as blue as the eastern sea. Then he cut it off with razor-sharp tools that vastly varied in size.
After Dr. Sarfatti successfully unfreezes Hitler, it takes a few minutes for him to open his eyes. A great deal of light blasted them. Hitler blinked to clear his blurred vision. Then he abruptly grasps Dr. Sarfatti’s throat with all the power suppressed in him all those years and chokes him.
“My Fuehrer, you have awakened!” One of the observing doctors called out as he shot up his arm to form a right angle with his chest, and yelled “Heil Hitler.” He was totally oblivious to the fact that Dr. Sarfatti just died.
Adolf marched up to one of the doctors and bellowed in his face, “I vant you to take me to Russia now.” The doctor almost fainted, as Hitler’s breath had curdled from all the chemicals added to the ice to keep him alive.
A few hours later Hitler boarded a hovercraft to take him to Russia. He kept a stern, expressionless face as he stared out the tiny square window of the hovercraft and examined Berlin from high above. He could see some of his reflection from the window, and summoned a companion.
“How can I help you, my Fuehrer?”
“You have razor on plane, ja?”
“You mean, for shaving?”
“Ja.”
“My Fuehrer, we use this gun.” The companion said. He took out a strange device.
“Ja, ja, that vil do. I do not vant to be recognized.”
The attendant pressed it against Hitler’s mustache and it went ZAP! Hitler let out a girly shriek, but the pain soon subsided. When he touched his face where his mustache once was, he only felt skin.
When he arrived to Russia he went to prominent scholars and asked them to immediately escort him to whoever has information on Stalin, the “man of steel”. They refused at first, but after realizing who he was they guided him to a secret laboratory.
Adolf, for the first time, showed some facial emotion as he saw the bodies of Stalin and Lenin in green blocks of ice.
“Unfreeze zem now!” Hitler insolently stated.
After a few days Stalin and Lenin were, too, aware of their surroundings. Adolf saw all of them being alive in the future as an opportunity to take over the world.
At first Stalin and Lenin refused, but gnawed by the fact that Hitler might take all the world power into his own hands convinced them to make a pact. After observing Earth the trio decides that it’s too small and too weak to last for long. So, they decided to use the modern space travel provided to them by their followers and travel through space to find a decent planet they could conquer. Their spaceship was ironically named “Frieden” which means ‘peace’ in German.
After a few days of traveling through the cosmos they felt some strong force meddling with their spaceship. All of a sudden they were being sucked into a black hole! Not even modern technology could save them this time. Everything turned dark red.
When they awoke, their ship was traveling at a constant speed. Nothing seemed unusual.
“Awe we dead?” Lenin asked, who couldn’t pronounce the letter “r”.
“I think not.” Stalin sternly replied, as he stood up and straightened his coat. His eyebrows compressed, giving his eyes a concerned expression.
“Look!” Hitler exclaimed and pointed his plump finger toward the front of the ship. “Oh, mein Gott…”
They made out a small green/blue speck in the distance. It was Earth! When they arrived, they were surprised that everything good was evil and everything immoral was good! This meant that communism was good, which made Lenin and Stalin very happy and that Nazism was good, which made Hitler jump for joy because in the old world this was a “delicacy”. But here it was normal. It seemed that they had arrived in an identical parallel universe in the black hole where everything was opposite from the original galaxy. They quickly took over the world. In this universe their leadership was praised and equivalent to democracy in the “old world”. Everything they did was considered good, even murdering people! They were never met with protests, only “mobs” of loyalists.
But, these three each had a mindset of a child so they wanted everything they couldn’t have. They had everything, but it was good. And since good was in fact evil, they wanted to do good! So, they ironically fought for good in the end. The people of this world were outraged at this “betrayal” and sent them on, what would be their last, death march.

My Favorite Comics.

Fri, 15 Sep 2006 06:20:01 GMT

My favorite comics are Spiderman, The Far Side, and The New Adventures of Sigmund Freud.
And:
http://www.comics.aha.ru/rus/stalin/1.html

In Ze Control Cabin

Fri, 15 Sep 2006 06:05:34 GMT

Ah, I never foresaw the day of my first LJ post. LJ is OJ's older, much nicer brother. I asked my friend how short/long can lj posts be? And he replied in a New York, I mean Nuclear Minute, "As long as you want." So, you see, my friends, I am in control. But once I was on a commercial plane going flying across the North Sea when I flung the pilot cabin door open, jumped in there, and screamed "SIEG ME! I am in control!!!" and then 7 big bodyguards dragged me out as my nails scratched and tugged at the linoleum tiles. They couldn't get nicer flooring because they spent it all on the big red buttons that say NO TOUCH!!